Do Italian men make good husbands?
Posted by Ellee on Oct 7, 2007 in updates | 24 comments
I’m all for close family ties. But there comes a time when a boy has to cut himself free from his mother’s apron strings.
In Italy, that time seems to have been considerably prolonged as more than a third of Italian men over the age of 30 live at home with their parents; this is blamed on sky-high apartment rents and bleak job prospects as much as a liking for mamma’s cooking.
The Italian government’s response is to offer them a cash incentive to leave their feathered nest and cut themselves free. Italy’s economy minister has sparked uproar by offering "big babies" a tax break if they let go of their mother’s apron strings and leave home. Tommaso Padoa-Schioppa has offered a 1,000 euro tax break for 20- and 30-something Italians who rent instead.
As someone who is married to an only child who would have been eligible to apply for the Italian tax incentive, I think it is a wonderful idea. My husband cannot boil an egg, and has no inclination to. We were old fashioned and didn’t live together until we married, so I had no idea about this.
My philosophy about parenthood is that I must bring up my two sons so they are able to stand on their own two feet, which includes being financially independent. And yes, they love my cooking too.
I wonder what kind of husbands these pampered "big babies" will be. Could this also be happening in the UK too with our sky high property prices?
Yes, Italian men are very reluctant to leave mamma! Many are discerning shoppers but will not cook. They probably do make good husbands but I know many wives here who turn a blind eye to the odd flirtation – or more.
Anne, lucky you. I wonder if your sons enjoy cooking because their father did and he was an excellent role model for them. It must make a huge difference.
All my men can cook!!! I have a husband (Arni) does a great Shepherds pie, Chilli etc ..Eldest son (Jonathan) who is a chef in the RAF, and a brilliant chef..and youngest son (Luke) who didn;t take much notice at all when he was younger, but then he decided he wanted to go to college and do his NVQ2 in cooking, two years ago and passed..and now cooks for his partner and two children every night….so when all three are at our house at the same time, its brilliant..I buy the ingredients and they take over.
Jeremy, I think I may have touched on a raw nerve, but all is fine and hunky dory.
I hope I haven’t caused a stir (or stir-fry) at the Seymour home!
Stephen, I am always waiting to be surprised!
Stephen is a lovely person, very talented in many ways, and I think I upset him by mentioning here that he does not cook. I am sorry, that was not my intention. There are lots of things I can’t do, and the fact that he does not cook is not a big deal for me as I do enjoy it and have got used to multi-task. If Stephen cooks a dinner bought from a cook-chill counter, he does it brilliantly and I am always grateful.
I’ve got one son who can cook and enjoys it and another who is not interested. I’m going to make sure they can cook at least seven dishes – one for every day of the week – by the time they leave home. They need to be prepared to cook and care for a partner too, as well as themselves.
Ellee’s husband here !!!
Just to clarify things… Other than a barbecue or readymade meals, or preprepared sauces for pasta, I do not cook meals for Ellee.
Over the weekend, I cooked a barbecue for the family, and yesterday I gave the boys cold meats with salad and chips. But Ellee is right, I do not cook proper meals.
Stephen – I’m impressed. Ask Ellee to show you my last email. You may preen
)
Ellee – I read books too and like you went with my instincts. I couldn’t stand to hear my baby cry and though I was tired they always got as much attention as they needed.
I agree and really like the point you made. Where I stayed with friends in germany it was usual for families to add an extra floor to the house for their children when they married. This worked very well as each had their own front door but grandparents were in the ‘flat’ below. So privacy and community/family were both achieved. it helped children out financially and didn’t detract from the grandparents assets.
Yes Jeremy I can cook simple dishes…ie. pasta dishes, grilled food, fish dishes, stirfrys, omlettes and I always do the barbecue which the kids love !!
I work in Colchester which involves driving over 1.5 hours each way (3 hours driving), and I do not get in until late in the evening.
Stephen (Ellee’s husband)
Just had another thought Philipa, maybe families should have little communes so the extended family can live together, an extension of the “granny annexe” theory. I would love to care for my mother as she becomes older and less able to look after herself, she would benefit by having her family around, and she loves seeing my two boys, they always make her laugh. The important thing is to maintain privacy as well so there is still an element of separate living, but in an environment that is close and loving and unites the family, that facilitates independence and co-dependence.
Philipa, as much as I love my boys, I would not expect them to still be living at home after their mid 20s. I know I shall considerably suffer the “empty nest syndrome”, but letting go is part of parenthood, I shall consider I have done a good job if they can live well adjusted lives and stand on their own two feet with confidence and happiness.
In reply to your last question, I’ve always had very strong maternal and nurturing instincts, I do everything instinctively. I used to read books about whether I should pick the babies up at night if they cried a lot, that was about it. I’m sure you don’t need any lessons.
Ellee – “Is it too late to teach an old dog new tricks?” Well I’ve always wondered, and perhaps you can tell me, if when walking up the aisle you were suddenly zapped by a bolt of enlightenment that magically made you know all about child rearing, housework, cooking and sexual gratification techniques? Cause I missed out on that and had to learn or make it up as I went along.
There was actually a cookbook called ‘cooking for blokes’ I think. Something like that. Probably used a lot of beans.
Yes, that’s exactly it – the women I hear complain either moan that they are working so hard they never see their husband or their husband is simply a 6ft child. Men are expected to go to the office and earn money. Some (though not all) then come home and expect it to be like a hotel and their wife is room service and nanny and sex kitten in a pinny, after she has been to the office and earned money. Hmn.
In my experience this is invariably a womans fault – their mother.
Well done Ellee for replacing prejudice with independance, a sense of entitlement with a source of pride, and an outdated stereotype with an ability to charm the cutie of their choice with their own cooking
I do think that apprenticeships and employment mean so much to young people. For those who go to university that bit of independance is as much a learning curve as the book learning they do. A friends parents bought a student house and their son ran it. It’s an excellent idea and one I recommend to others.
Yes it is happening in the UK, and it ain’t just blokes.
http://weggis66.blogspot.com/2007/10/full-circle.html
JJ, This highlights how the Italian family culture is much closer than ours, do you remember the excellent post Welshcakes wrote about it here:
http://elleeseymour.com/2007/03/10/welshcake-limoncellos-letter-from-sicily/
I’m a real mother hen with my two boys, but it is different bond in Italy, and also Greece where the sons are regarded as little Gods. They can never do anything wrong.
My husband can’t cook JJ, unless it is a case of throwing a warm up dish in the oven, but he is getting better at BBQs. Is it too late to teach an old dog new tricks?
JMB, that was a fascinating insight, pretty much what Welshcakes described.
Letters from a Tory, yes, that seems to be the case, the incentive is to get men to leave home, the minister put it like this: “We must send those we call ‘big babies’ out of the house.”
Wait a minute – does this mean the men get a tax break but women of the same age don’t qualify?….
JMB. What’s wrong in having a good relationship with one’s mother/father, siblings?
Decent relationships with one’s friends and relatives is key to a happy life. Or am I missing something?
How fascinating. I wonder how Los Angeles and New York here in the USA has managed to avert a similar situation; the rents are enough to give one a heart attack! With the magazine I write for, I’ve been watching the terrible financial trouble of Alitalia–the proud, state run airline. Very sad.
I forgot to say that in all other aspects, as a husband and father, my SIL is excellent.
Well I can tell you a bit about this since my daughter married an Italian eleven years ago. Luckily he came to do graduate work in the USA so he can cook and look after himself in one sense. They still live there. But he is definitely still emotionally tied to his mother and constantly emails her, phones her, often daily, even after 18 years away. When they are together he is constantly monitoring her mood and my daughter often thinks that his mother’s opinions (and she has them on everything) matter more than her own. Fortunately for my daughter they do not live in the same country or city as his unfortunate brother does.
There’s even a word for it in Italian. Mammismo.
Ellee
Surely, your husband can cook something?
I disagree(although I flew the nest 1t 17). Staying at home will ensure deeper family ties.
It is developing in Britain – primarily simply through the price of housing, and the amount of debt that all graduates have and so many others develop.
That leads people to stay at home for so much longer than they used to. It’s not a good thing.