Let’s hope our jails are never too full for the viscous bullies who beat up women. In Norfolk alone, there have been 10 cases of domestic violence reported to police every day over the last six months – but the real figure is much higher as so many are not reported.
In fact, according to Women’s Aid, an average woman experiences 35 violent and abusive attacks in seven years before walking out.
An horrific attack in Norwich has been splashed on the front page of today’s Eastern Daily Press, reporting how the county has seen three high profile convictions for domestic violence in less than a week. Yesterday 21-year-old Christopher Bates, from Norwich, became the latest to be jailed. He was jailed for six years after admitting subjecting his ex-girlfriend to 17 hours of “unmitigated and sadisticâ€? torture while her two-year-old daughter looked on.
In April, Norwich will get its own dedicated domestic violence court to make processing prosecutions less stressful. This is a terrifying prospect for victims, they do not want to face their attacker again and need to be able to give evidence from behind a screen, I hope this facility will be available to them.
Bates’ victim is slowly recovering from her horrendous trauma, which included having her head shaved and being told she would be set on fire if he had some petrol; using cigarette lighter fluid to burn her hair clippings and clothes and trying to burn her legs and face; describing horrifically how he planned to rape her; taking her asthma inhaler before pushing her head into sofa cushions in an attempt to suffocate her. Her young daughter was forced to watch many of his monstrous attacks.
Fortunately, his victim is beginning to recover and has praised police for their support, which is so crucial in these cases, it takes so much bravery for a victim to step forward, they need to be believed and helped. Two women a week are killed because of domestic violence, it will affect 1 in 4 women in their lifetime.
I have no idea what makes young men end up as such a drugs-fuelled sadistic monster, the kind of childhood Bates had. How can someone like him be rehabilitated in jail? Can he change? And how can more victims of domestic violence be persuaded to report their attacks to police?
Ellee, I gave a talk about this a couple of years ago. One married woman (or one with a partner) in four will receive some form of domestic abuse. This could be violent,emotional,psychological, financial or even imprisonment.
There’s one fundamental reason for this. The need for men to feel in control.
I have no answers.
JJ is right; people like to control. With men they have the physical advantage when they lose any intellectual argument.
We can only hope that locking them up gives them time enough to reflect on their actions.
My general advice to ANYONE and not just women is to keep Jack-the-lads at arms length. Y’know, those ‘exciting’ types that have a sort of dangerous appeal about them, fast-twitch muscles and that glint in their eye.
Natural selection should do the rest.
I’ve no idea – anyone else think that Electro-Kevin is probably a bit of a wimp?
Electro-Kevin: to be fair to the women who suffer at their hands, some men turn out to be abusers with ‘no prior warning’ _ i.e. they aren’t apparently ‘jack the lad’ types. However, ‘the writing probably was on the wall’ with most of these men. But unfortunately, many women are attracted to a ‘bad lad’ and believe that they are the one who can ‘change him’. The fact is, ‘you probably can’t _ and why bother anyway?’. I suspect that there is an evolutionary point to this attractiveness of the bad lad: in cavemen times the sort of bloke who now winds up in prison for gbh was probably a useful man to be hooked up with. But now that those traits are positively anti-social they are also redundant and should go the way of the emu! I therefore like your point about letting evolution take its effect. This is one of the unspoken reasons why much longer prison sentences for violent offenders are a good thing: whilst they’re inside, they aren’t outside knocking up and knocking about women. Fewer of their genes are cascading down the gene pool AND they aren’t around to set an appalling example to their sons, which gets repeated into the next generation. Also, the longer these men are away from their woman and kids, the more chance she has of meeting someone else, better, who can be a decent father and provider. But, at the very least, they aren’t around to abuse and be a bad role model. That is why all the leftie social workers’ attempts to desperately ‘keep families (of violent prisoners) together’are not only a waste of public money but deeply socially regressive. The proper response would be: “The poor cow is free of that brute for the next 5 years. It’s the best thing that could have happened to her and her kids. Stick the guy in a prison as far away as possible, offer no assistance with prison visits and hope she has broken free of him forever.”. Cruel? I don’t think so _ certainly the best thing for society.
P.S _ it goes without saying that I think conjugal visits are an abomination! Except for homosexuals, of course. 😉
This is a topic close to my heart. I have many years experience, both professionally and in a past personal life and this topic continues to break my heart, bring tears to my eyes and make me fight, build esteem, counsel and protect the women i work with. Alot of them believe they provoked it, or could be prettier, or skinnier; and worse, alot of family courts insist on kids seeing these dads so the mothers are never away from them.
Sad sad sad
Still laughing at David Allen’s joke.
No Mutley, not a wimp, but not a hardman either. In fact I know quite a few competition fighters and ex Royal Marines and none of them are Jack-the-lads either.
Yes – natural selection Mr Allen, perhaps that’s what needs to be broken. Natural de-selection – a new phrase ?
But I’d still say that at least 70% of these wronguns could’ve been spotted early on. Fast-twitch muscles means to me fast-twitch brain. A bypassing of the empathetic part of the neural pathway (read about it) – an impulsive flynch, consider the consequences later type chap.
Ironically they make lousy fighters.
‘Natural deselection’ _ I suspect it isn’t very far off _ the Chinese will lead the way. They don’t have the American antipathy to abortion nor the UK obsession with the rights of criminals to procreate, so they will lead the way in identifying these ‘criminal’ genes and will have no qualms about selective abortion.
Vroooom …….. just roared in on my huge motor bike after a nationwide tour with my band in which I am the saxophonist….don`t worry about the wimps, ladies, jump on board my throbbing engine and we’ll ride hard to the dangerous edge . Yes you can touch the tattoo……
Is anyone going for it. Honestly one of the redeeming features of women is that just when they’ve signed up for the merchant banker deal they bugger of with the bass player .I wonder if there would be less domestic violence if young working class men had not been reduced the status of unnecessary vermin. There is lot of Press about how unsafe women are at the moment but lets not forget that other young men are in vastly greater danger and perhaps this is part of the pattern of increased violence everywhere . What about tough on the cause of crime as well ? isn`t part of the cause the sense of worthlessness that uneducated white males especially have in the world.
I happened to see this in the Mirror today. Look at what this rapist scum said …
Ricky Brown, 33, got away with the horrific attack for 14 years and when caught smugly believed the woman’s statement was not admissible in court because she was dead.
But new laws cleared the way for a judge to allow evidence of the 1992 rape to be heard and jurors listened in silence to the 49-year-old victim’s harrowing account of her ordeal in an alley.
And her words shattered married dad-of three Brown’s claim she consented to sex after he met her in a launderette and told her he had split from a girlfriend.
The woman, who died in 2001, said: “We walked down a dark alleyway. He said to me:
‘I need sex to make me feel secure’.
He put his hand over my mouth. I tried to push his hand away and stumbled and fell.”
Interesting isn`t it and that the sex was associated with violence and insecurity. I also wonder if there is a sexual insecurity component in this male violence phenomenon . It is a mistake to imagine that the sexually violent crime has always been with us in fact it was virtually invented in the 19th century.
So in as gentle as way as possible I would suggest that the rise of male violence against t women has causes that might not be entirely ascribed to an existential rise in the evilness of men. Not , of course any sort of an excuse but its something we might think about.
David- Women sometimes stick with men when everyone tells them they shouldn`t. It always looks as if everyone is right but perhaps the women is sometimes right as well? The charcter Billy in Carousel is violent and unreliable and to the end is never far from losing his temper but there is forgiveness for him
Billy reveals himself to Louise, pretending to be a friend of her father. He tries to cheer her up and give her a small gift — the star he stole from Heaven. She refuses it, and in frustration, he slaps her. As he makes himself invisible, Louise tells Julie what has happened, and reveals that the slap miraculously felt like a kiss, not like a blow. ………
I wouldn1t want to push the point other than with extreme delicacy but relations between men and women can be a bit more complicated than a Social worker or middleclass do gooder might recognize. Such men rarely come to the media`s attention except via sport. Gascoigne, Boycott ……
Hmm I `m getting into trouble here aren’t I ….scampers off
[…] Ellee Seymour, the Alice Tinker of the British Blogosphere, on the subject of domestic violence… Let’s hope our jails are never too full for the viscous bullies who beat up women. […]
Ms Smack, sorry to hear that and do keep up the good work.
Ministry of Truth _”viscous bullies” is about right, I think _ usually thick, and nasty with it…
Newmania, What a harrowing and tragic account. I think Ms Smack can provide insights on why women stay with violent partners – perhaps because they love them and they have nowhere else to go, they are trapped in a violent routine. Hopefully they are brave enough to leave – and it does come down to courage – to walk away before it is too late.
Ellee, I am pleased to hear that in Norwich they are getting a dedicated domestic violence court – hopefully this will speed up the process. Although it is more common that women are the victims, men do also suffer. Michelle
Hello Ellee: Thank you for visiting my blog and it’s always a delight to hear from somebody in East Anglia. I used to write for the Eastern Daily Press, with a column for a year in the Great Yarmough Mercury. I lived near Yarmouth in 1980-81. I like your musings very much, and your observations on violence and victims rings too true here in Canada. When I lived in Norfolk it was still a very peaceful place with violent crime being a rarity. On the other hand, one could never be certain about domestic abuse because so much was covered up, especially in those days.
Anyway, please come back again. I’d love to be in touch.
Cheers,
Ian
Hmm. Quite a long comment coming, I’m afraid.
Firstly, the catch all comments about ‘Jack the Lad’ types. Frankly, I’m disappointed that so many here should stereotype in this way. Were any of you to meet me, you might well pidgeonhole me that way. I don’t get into fights, I don’t have tatoos, I don’t hit women, I am only average height and build and don’t go to the gym.
On the other hand, there are a number of people who would say that I have a relaxed attitude to relationships and tend to attract women after a fling rather stability. I am also a diehard Birmingham City fan and by nature fairly extrovert and hedonistic, so is that Jack the Lad’?
Now on to my second point. I don’t mind admitting- as a man- to having been in an abusive relationship myself. I had a partner for two years who was insanely sexually jealous. She once woke me up from sleep with a punch in the face. Another time she poured my pint over a girl I was chatting to. Most weeks I would have bruises on my arm from her.
Sadly, I stayed because I was worried (in all seriousness) that if I tried to leave, she’d damage my CDs. True.
It’s not on the scale described above, but domestic violence ain’t all one way.
Miss Smack, a girl like you should have known your own worth and found someone who deserved you (Especially with those eyes). But I guess you get stuck in a rut. I did.
David, I found your comments about abortion in poor taste. Abortion is murder, however you slice it.
Too many courts view the offenders as victims.
That’s great that Norwich is getting a domestic violence court; the REAL vicims can be helped there.
Hi Joe,
I’ve found that generalisation is the only way to go. I simply don’t have the resource to break things down too much, and if we’re honest neither does the establishment – this is where I think it goes wrong. By rejecting generality it gets bogged down in detail and becomes ineffective. “Let’s look for all sorts of phobias, hang-ups, -isms …” And in all of this somehow the lady-killer becomes the victim.
One word: Bad. All encompassing, simple, uncluttered. “Kevin, you’re such a right-wing Neanderthall …” Well I don’t batter women, Mr Guardian reader.
Instead of the ‘Rule of Thumb’ how about the ‘Rule of Mum’ ? The chances are (with most mums & dads) if they don’t like your man you’d best steer clear. I’m being a little facetious here.
But in all honesty a lothario choses his lifestyle and all lifestyles come with their burdens – marrieds can’t have sex with someone else if it takes their fancy. So being labled a ‘bad boy’ (I know not all are) is par for the course. But being brutally honest I wouldn’t want a leg-over merchant near my daughter and that’s nothing to do with whether he hit her or not.
Incidentally I had been in an abusive relationship too for two years – in view of Joe’s sad experience there must be a lot of it directed at males too. You’re right, Joe. You get in a rut, you feel responsible, the suicide threats keep you pinned down. I’m relieved to be married to someone sensible – actually it’s great.
Joe _ you’re right, it is better to make a distinction between ‘Jack the Lad’ types, who have their appeal (as you have found out!) and ‘Bad Lads’…
re. the comments on abortion, I was not advocating it _ but I think your reaction proves my point: most western societies, altho they allow abortion within narrowly-prescribed limits, are altogether more morally-ambivalent on the subject than some other, (especially totalitarian) societies, for which abortion is not a matter of taste or ethics but simple utility.
Jeesus, E-K, How did you know about the suicide threats?
She did, you’re right.
You’ll forgive me if this one topic which I don’t share here. It’s just that the whole psychology of such a situation is very disquieting, as in when you realise how the manipulation worked.
In fact, E-K I am quite easily manipulated by women, that might surprise you.
Sorry I took offence David.
I’m Catholic and also have personal experience, so I can get upset by the subject.
Re the Jack the Lad thing, I’m often described as Dorian Grey by one of my friends, which I take as compliment, but old Dorian was definitely not a wifebeater type. I’m glad you see what I mean, David.
Gosh, how to follow all that? Let us remember that violence can also be emotional, firstly, and it doesn’t only happen to women. In most cases, yes, men are physically stronger and can use this but there are some decent men who won’t, if they are the victims. Having said this, there is NO excuse for physical violence. I think the problem is that if you love someone, you endow them, in your mind, with the qualities you value and when the person turns out not to have these, you can go into denial, even if you are being horribly abused. Wasn’t there a “Woman’s Hour” report, a couple of years ago, on men who were being rehabilitated and had come to realise the horrific nature of what they had done in this respect? – And no, I am not “excusing” them but I do know that many of them came from abusive families and had been brought up to think this was the norm.
Joe and Kevin, I’m sorry to hear about your abusive relationships, it sounds like you did go through the wars, it affects 1 in 6 men, which I think is quite a high figure:
http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/crime-victims/reducing-crime/domestic-violence/
Welshcakes, they do say that the bully has been bullied himself, but there has to come a point when they take responsibility for their unacceptable actions.
Ian, so interesting that you were a local journalist too. You will be pleased to learn that I get the EDP every day, it’s a great read.
Under the old premise of ‘prevention being better than cure’, I’d like to see more young women inspired and taught to have more self esteem so that they are less likely to believe that staying in an abusive relationship is a wise choice.
DAVID ALLEN SAID-P.S _ it goes without saying that I think conjugal visits are an abomination! Except for homosexuals, of course.
Yes but i think you are suposed to know the hardened cons you go and vist David and i do wish you would stop that):
Argh…spelling calamity as usual
Its so typical though. I went from a household with it, to my first boyfriend, who was a bad boy. From 19 on, no one has hit me. If they did, I’d happily super-glue their testes to a rapid rat.
Ellee, there is often a feeling that if men do inspire violence in a woman, then it is their own fault.
I remember when a work colleague (female) saw my bruises once, she said ‘Well, I’m sure you did something to get her THAT angry. She caught you cheating, did she?’
I have a feeling the argument that time was because I didn’t like the wallpaper she’d bought.
Incidently, Ellee you are right, she had suffered abuse herself as a child. Partly why I stuck with her. She didn’t really have anyone else.
E-K, Thanks for the thankyou. It’s a recreational pursuit we share.
Miss Smack, you have quite a way with words. The image is- scary.
But I guess you mean RABID, as opposed to RAPID.
Sorry to be a pedant.
Rapid or rabid – hmmm. Not sure which I’d prefer actually.
Sorry Ms Smack – been unable to ‘come to school’ lately, I need to set up a google account to make submissions and it ain’t working. I promise to do extra homework.
Has anyone seen Elee`s new picture..the new one . She`s been to the gym me-thinks……tell all Ellee . Have you been toning and firming by any chance?
(I think thats what you call Off topic)
Newmania, I don’t get to the gym enough, I’m not sure which pic you mean, I think you are having a tease.
Thanks for noting my typo. I meant to repost it, or edit, but I didnt want to stuff your blog around. A rapid rabid rat might be even nastier!
Kevin – You can write lines for this lack of time management.
The discussion has centred around violence. What about emotional and psychological abuse?
Jeremy, I imagine those scars are the hardest to heal.
I don’t completely agree with CityUnslicker here. Yes, there is the weak man who is violent and the man who systematically beats on the woman but there are also many ordinary men the woman knows how to provoke. She pushes and pushes until he explodes – I’ve known many cases. I even asked one such woman about this and she said he [the husband] didn’t do as she wished, didn’t listen to her and so on. That’s a bad scene in itself. But she readily admitted to provoking him. Best thing to do is walk out for a day or two but some don’t.
Ellee, “Let’s hope our jails are never too full for the viscous bullies who beat up women.”
*cough*
Could I refer you to this article of mine:
http://aconservatives.blogspot.com/2006/12/domestic-violence-that-dare-not-speak.html
Men are beaten at home as well, as are children by women (and men).
not only that but “domestic violence” also occurs in same sex couples. In fact rape seems far more common.
Here in the US and woman is more likely to be murdered by the man she has shared her bed with than by a stranger. She is also more likely to be killed by her partner when pregnant or when she leaves her abuser. My mother’s advice was two-fold:
1) the first time a man hits you it is his fault but the second time is your fault if you are still there,
2) remember if he ever hits you that he will have to sleep at some point in time and I gave you a cast iron frying pan for a reason.
Re Nanette, Sound advice. Very sound advice.
Benedict, Many thanks for your excellent link, as I’ve said, 1 in 6 men can find themselves attacked by women. Agree with your comment about Nanette and her sound advice – it’s easier said than done when you are in that position.
I suspect that having a mother with that sort of attitude probably helped me avoid being in that position.